28 Comments
User's avatar
Lisa Nikkel's avatar

I appreciate this vulnerable and tender voicing of the realities of living life alongside grief. Sharing it makes the rest of us not feel alone in ours, I hope sharing it helps you feel the a little less alone in yours.

Sara Billups's avatar

Thank you so much, Lisa

Neural Foundry's avatar

This is such a raw and honest portrayal of grief that doesnt perform for anyone. The vacancy after years of bracing really hits, becuase grief after anticipating loss for so long becomes its own strange relief. I experienced similar after a long illness in my family, and those unexpected rituals (biscuits, football) are exactly how we locate ourselves when everything shifts.

Sara Billups's avatar

Thank you. The vacancy/bracing is exactly how this time feels. The rituals keep coming, and I'm going to keep receiving them, even if they seem a bit out of left field.

KT Sancken's avatar

Your description of your reaction to your mom's death reminds me of a grief class I took at Hospice recently where they described "instrumental grief" versus "intuitive grief." I am often an instrumental griever, and it sounds like that's your go to right now as well. It made me feel better to know it was a common reaction.

Sara Billups's avatar

This is really helpful Kristin, def resonates

Linda Worden's avatar

Sara, you look like you’re taking it all in rather than bracing yourself. I’m so sorry for your loss. I am 72 years old . My mother is on hospice care. She has been on 24/7 care for three years. I have some idea.

Sara Billups's avatar

Thank you Linda. It’s been such a bewildering time, and if always helps to hear from people who have walked through similar seasons

Melanie Beilner's avatar

thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry for the loss of both parents within 6 weeks of each other. Sending hugs.

Laura Bartnick's avatar

Thank you, Sara. And I'm so sorry. I deeply relate to your grief, and the bookends of a year between my mom and dad's death, and the two full years of inability to navigate.

So, I rested on the couch, let my puppy winnow me out into the streets, but not into the world, and my husband feed me until I could remember to cook. I also wondered when I looked in the mirror how different I looked to others, but I have enough extrovert in me to rally for occasional meet ups. Still, there is my life before, and my life after, and the strength that lasts is the joy of the Lord, the desire to rest in Him, and accepting the sorrows, complexity of people, the stages of life. I am no longer heroic. But, I can be faithful in a much gentler way, and let the Father care for me as I continue to significantly rest in him.

Sara Billups's avatar

Thank you Laura. And thank God for dogs, spouses, friends.

Paola Barrera's avatar

I'm so sorry for your loss. So many moving pieces in such a short amount of time. I appreciate your sharing so honestly here, Sara. Thinking of you and yours .🙏❤️‍🩹

Sara Billups's avatar

Thanks so much, Paola

Lore Wilbert's avatar

I love you. I hate this.

Megan Ericson's avatar

🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

Krista Drechsel's avatar

This is heartbreaking and beautiful. Thank you for these words, Sara. May your body continue to unwind from all the years and years of bracing and may you find ways to lean into rest again. I appreciated your words about "ghost grief"...about all the feelings kind of clouding into one big "white", nothing kind of feeling. That resonates.

Jamie S. Harper's avatar

My daughter died a couple of weeks ago, and I can relate to a lot of what you share here, for different reasons, of course.

Sara Billups's avatar

I’m so sorry Jamie.

Sarah Dahl's avatar

Sara, I’m so sorry. Mercy to you as you slowly unfurl from the brace-for-impact posture and absorb all that comes in its wake. Thanks for sharing your experience so generously and naming it so precisely.

Diane Frisone's avatar

Thank you, Im so so sorry!

ML Greynolds's avatar

That’s a lot to process in a short period. Thanks for writing about it. 💙

Hannah Miller King's avatar

Grief cleans, it cooks, it reads the news. Thanks for sharing this.

Sara Billups's avatar

Thank you Hannah.

Bre Marie Strobel's avatar

Sara, sometimes the expected still brings so much unexpected. Holding you in prayer as you carry this grief 🫶🏼